Darkness
by Lilas
Summary: This is a dark fic... Heero reflecting on his mistakes (I guess... I'm not quite sure to tell you the truth). Yaoi/Death/Murders/VERY ANGSTY!


Disclaimer

Disclaimer: If I owned GW, I would make official couples and have myself inserted somewhere in there even though I hate MarySues... Anyway, point is, I don't own them.

Author's note: Oh man!!! It' been too long since I haven't written a GW fic, and to tell you the truth, I miss them! I'm totally into Yaoi right now, so this is an yaoi pairing, and no flames... Please. I wrote this fic when I was frustrated over not finding good angst fics so I'm warning you!!

This is NOT for lighthearted people! It's gory (worst I've written) and has deaths all over the place. The ending is not happy and it's depressing! So if you don't feel like your up to it, then go ahead and read... That or maybe I'm just exaggerating... I dunno if this should be R or NC-17, so I put it R... Tell me what you think.

Now go read this if you're sure and don't forget to review!!

***

Darkness

By Lilas

Darkness...

It was so perfect, so beautiful... There was nothing to harm me in the darkness; nothing to fear... So unlike the light I used to see before... No... Darkness was my realm, the place in which I rejoiced living and drinking from. There was nothing compared to darkness and its infinite beauty... Nothing could compare to it... Not even the pain that sometimes I felt coursing through my body.

Nothing! Nothing at all could compare to the darkness that encircled me and held me close... Nothing but him... Nothing but his beautiful smile, his bright smiling eyes, his sensuous lips and the way they curled whenever he'd seen me...

No, nothing could compare to my Shinigami... Nothing but the darkness. They competed with each other over my soul, and darkness was slowly winning. And I wasn't fighting it. Why would I? Darkness would never abandon me for a woman, a child!

What had I done to deserve such a blow in the gut from him?! From the one person I'd ever trusted in my life? How could he have left me alone in the light when I'd needed him the most? Didn't he know what was bound to happen the minute he walked out the door? The minute he showed her his heart? The minute he told her he loved her?

Didn't he know that all it would lead to was suffering and death? Maybe he hadn't... but now he did. How many people had I already killed from my folly? That politician girl was one... That blonde bitch! How had she dared to try and take my God's place in my heart? How dared she have tried to take me in and bring me back towards the light? She couldn't understand how I felt, thus she was lying to me when she said she cared... 

So I killed her that same night... I killed her with his own hands, scratching her, biting her, cutting her as she struggled under me in fright and pain... I had enjoyed her struggles so much! She had given me a sort of perverted pleasure I had only experienced from the war... And I wanted more!

The next victim was her brother... That fucking son of a bitch! I hated him almost as much as I hated his blonde sister... Both fucking asses! He'd come to me and asked me to find his sister's murderer... And I had told him I already knew who it was, telling him to follow me into my apartment so we could talk in private...

We talked, but it was one sided. I had jumped on him and pried his mouth open, cutting his tongue the minute I closed the door... The pain I'd seen in his eyes had sent shivers down my body and I proceeded to tie him up, fire burning behind my eyes as I continued my mad and horrible murders... 

That's what they all deserved for having laughed at me, tortured me into what I was then... That's what they all had to have... Death by torture as I had been killed years ago. I had laughed as I cut him in various places, my knife dripping blood from him and from his sister... I had decided not to wash the knife anymore. Just so, if it ever happened, I would be able to be sent to jail, or killed so I would be stop. 

I killed that bastard in my house that night after watching him squirm... after listening to his little whimpers. I wished I hadn't cut his tongue, that way I could have heard him cry his heart out! But it didn't matter; I'd killed him in cold blood with the same knife I had killed his dear little sister...

Next was that stupid bitch of his... what was her name again? In my need for blood, I forgot. How could I? She used to be my friend... NO! I never had friends... Only allies, and allies must be sacrificed in order to attain the needed result... Death of all those involved in the past war. 

The darkness in me whispered what I was to do and it laid out before me the plans it had to annihilate all hatred and violence... It spoke to me through its depths of the better life that would come to me once I had killed all those that could ruin my happiness with him... 

So I killed that bitch with the same knife I'd killed her family. I ended her life quickly, cutting the artery in her throat and watching her die in front of me as my lips twitched to a smirk... Her blood spilled all over me and covered my shoes with its redness. I turned away sharply and left her cold and empty body lying there. Perfect soldier indeed... 

They created me, and now they were going to pay for it. 

Every time blood bathed my knife, I felt the darkness around me close in, and the feeling it brought to my nerve-shot senses was indescribable... It was much fuller than cutting, or smoking. It was a release I had never felt before and needed to feel again and again. It was a rush that kept me away from my reality and took me to a place I knew I was meant to be...

So I continued my rampage. 

I killed all those involved in the wars but the Gundam pilots. I respected them. They had something the others didn't and would never have had; even they had to relive their experiences. The haunting nightmares of our lives destroyed before our eyes. 

The inability to kill them brought me to coldly murder those around us, until there was nothing left and I was a wanted assassin... An assassin everyone was looking for, including those I had spared. But I was not hiding from them. I wanted them to find me and kill me in one of those old fashioned electric chairs... Or send me to the sun to join my gundam... 

So as I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind wandered in the beautiful darkness it had created and I saw all the smiling faces of those I had killed. A pang of regret squeezed my heart and small tears strolled down my pale cheeks.

I was going to die anyway, whether they found me or not. The darkness held me down on my bed, making me unable to get up and do anything... I did no longer eat and I knew my body was nothing but skin and bone. I was skinny before, but now I was ridiculously skinny... I was hungry, yes, but I could not move; I did not want to move.

My bed felt so soft, so delicate under my fingers... I slowly closed my eyes and saw all those I had murdered call out to me, forgiving me and commanding me to come and join them. I was about to take their hand when my door burst open and footsteps ran to my room, stopping in their tracks as a small gasp echoed around me.

I forced my eyes open to see a brown, tangled braid swinging from the door. Tiredly following it, I reached its owner's face, a pair of frightened, angered blue eyes burning with rage... Him! He slowly stepped up to my bed, realizing I wasn't going to move and hurled me out of bed, his hands cutting off my already slow flowing circulation.

I smiled at him, silently crying that they would not be able to rejoice in killing me, but that the darkness had ultimately won... It had won the race over my heart and now, I shall belong to it... You were unable to contain me in my cage, Shinigami. You were not who you yelled to be... You were not who I believed you to be... I should have massacred you too, but I did not. My heart still cried for you...

"You lost," I whispered hoarsely, my smile never leaving me. "You gave up on me..."

"Why did you kill them? Why?!" you shouted out, shaking me violently and throwing me to the floor. "Why did you murder all those we held dear?!"

"Because they dreamed... Because... Because they loved me," I whispered once again, my head turning to look at him, my smile still on my face. "I have but one regret..."

"Coldly murdering those you loved?" you hissed out, crouching down in front of me.

"Never telling you... how I loved you, Duo..." I mumbled back, a lone tear making its way down my cheek. "Never... holding you in my arms and whispering to you how much I have always loved you..."

"Heero..." you muttered, falling on the ground and backing slightly away from me.

"I killed her because she tried to replace you... I killed her brother because he tried to take you away... I killed the others because I could not kill Hilde... It would make you so sad if I had killed her..." I whimpered softly, feeling the need to explain to you why I had done it.

"Heero..."

"The darkness won, Duo... You were too late for everything. Next time, set your watches early... You might be able to do something then," I mumbled, smiling dryly as I looked at you.

I saw your mouth forming words, but I didn't hear them. I didn't have to. I knew what they were. I knew what you were saying, what you were praying... What you were asking for... And the answer was yes. Yes, I had done it for you. Yes, I would rest in peace... Yes, I did forgive you.

How could I not? You were my darkness in the light; you were my light in the darkness...

I have but one regret in life...

Not having lived to see you cry for me. 


End file.
